


James

by redmornlights



Series: buckynat letters [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Headcanon, Letters, Love Confessions, Memories, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad Ending, Why Did I Write This?, that's sad to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26301103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redmornlights/pseuds/redmornlights
Summary: Before the time trip, Natasha thought that writing to him would be a good idea, maybe not so good, but she needed to leave something for him in case she didn't come back.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Series: buckynat letters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910971
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	James

**Author's Note:**

> That's not my first time trying to write something for them, but it was the first time I did it. I'm SO happy and also very sad.  
>  **A quick context:** this takes place in a universe where, in the midst of all those events, Natasha and James met again. They didn't have much time before the snap happened, so she needed to leave something for him in case something went wrong and she didn't come back.
> 
> I hope you love it. 
> 
> With love, me.

_~~Dear,~~ _

_~~To James Buchanan Barnes,~~ _

_~~Barnes,~~ _

_~~Dear James?~~ _

_James,_

Five years ago Steve came to me with this crazy idea of writing you a letter to help me get over everything. The second after he said that I thought about throwing all his knives at him. But, thinking about it now, well... maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all and if I were less headstrong I would admit it to him, I would also apologize for saying that he was an idiot and stupid (and many other things that didn't I can name it here) by suggesting this to me. _(I swear if you tell him I said that, **I’ll kill you.** )_

But, I'm not here to talk about Steve or everything that happened in those five years. I want to talk about you and me, about _us_. We never had much time to talk about it and, honestly, I don't know if we will. Things never seemed to work out for us, did they? I met you when you dideven _n'teach_ knowother, so we got lost and then when you found me... I never told you about Odessa. You read what was in the reports and asked me about it a few days later, I remember that as well as I remember that I didn't answer any of your questions about that day. You never brought it up again, I was happy for that, of course, because talking about Odessa would force me to say what I really felt when I met you there. Talk about something that I never put in any report, and that I will only put here because I am not sure if I will be able to tell you in person.

That day in Odessa I was afraid, James. _So_ afraid that I never thought I could feel in a lifetime. 

When they took you away from me, I thought I would never see you again, _I thought..._ I thought you were dead. And when I saw you there, looking at me and that engineer, you _n't even_ did know who I was. I looked at you, met your eyes and still didn't see you. It only took a fraction of a second for me to understand that the Winter Soldier was there and not you. I could feel the kiss of death as I looked at him, not you, _him_. As I stared at the Winter Soldier, I felt all the tragic irony in which we were trapped. I could hear the laughter of Madame B. and so many other people, laughing at us, at what was about to happen.

My punishment had come at last, I just didn't imagine that they would go so low for that. Of course, my defection didn't help me much, but sending _you..._ Wow. Not even I would make such a disloyal move.

I waited for you to shoot, I had already accepted what was going to happen and I also forgave you for it. I remember that I closed my eyes just for a few seconds before everything happened and then... A single shot. Only one bullet would end two lives.

I waited for the light at the end of the tunnel or the door to hell to be opened to receive me, I waited for several seconds, but _nothing_ happened. When I opened my eyes again you were no longer there and to improve everything I had a hole in my belly and the guy I was supposed to protect was dead.

Of the few things we knew and the many stories we heard in the Red Room, one was that the Winter Soldier _never made a_ mistake. Only in Odessa you were wrong. Or maybe you did it on purpose. Something intrinsic in you may have recognized me and it was bigger than all the washing you did on your head, so much that it didn't allow you to do that job well done. 

I may be wrong, but I have no way of knowing that right now. In a few days… who knows? I’m counting on this possibility, to see you again. I've been counting on this since when Scott Lang miraculously appeared at the gates of HQ. Steve was here that day and ~~(he was)~~ we were so scared… but as I listened to that time travel story that Scott was suggesting, I held on with all my strength in the likelihood that we could bring everyone back, that I could _bring you_ back.

I hope it works. We are all counting on that. And even though I don't believe in any God, today I'm going to talk to anyone who is willing to listen to me and I'm going to beg for this crazy story to work, even if I don't deserve it, I'm going to ask. I'm going to ask Clint's family, I'm going to ask Sam back, _I'm going to ask you._ And regardless of the price this will cost us, I will continue to ask for each person who lost someone that day.

I need you here. Not out of necessity, never because of it, but because I love you, James. I love you in a way that I don't know if it's allowed to love someone. I love what Steve told me about you when he didn't even know I already knew you. I love what you were to me in my days in the Red Room - the ones where you really were someone and not just an object for their use and disuse. I love what you wanted to become after remembering everything. _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..._ There isn't enough papers in this world in which I can (or try to) explain how I feel about you. If we have _even_ a chance, I will say it all personally, repeating a hundred, thousand, million, million times I love you, you are the only person with whom I can be totally vulnerable because I know that it is mutual and even if it wasn't, I would still be. You knew my worst side and I knew yours, no one _ever_ will see what we’re or what we can be without first seeing our mistakes, except for ourselves.

If... I swear I don't want to consider that possibility, but if something happens and... and I can't be here to tell you all these things and more, _I..._ just don't do any nonsense. Even if I'm not here, go on, give yourself a chance, enjoy every moment. Try it, okay? _For me._ I know you and Sam didn't get along, but he's a nice guy, you could try to be friends. Steve will probably try to make this happen at some point because… Steve! He is like this. James, you are a good man and you deserve to have friends. Sam is the right person for this, you will see.

And if you miss me, well, look at the moon and if I'm really _up there_ I'll be looking at you back.

_What the fuck!_ I can't believe I wrote these things, I… look what _you_ made me do! I swear if you read this and try to somehow use it against me or remind me of it... _I'll. kill. you_. James Buchanan Barnes, never dare mention the contents of this letter to _anyone!!!_

Wait, why am I so worried about this? I mean... it's not like you're _actually_ going to read this. I will be here to tell you everything... maybe omit some things (because you know I will) and you will _try to_ pull out all the things I don't want to say and you will probably get it. I just… you never know. There is always a risk and I want to have at least a plan B if A has a problem.

What am I talking _about again?_ Of course it won't work. Will not. We always managed to get out of these, all in one piece or almost. 

We will survive. 

We will have a chance.

I promise.

_**Love,**_  
Natalia.

**Author's Note:**

> mood: writing James's answer :')


End file.
